The Full Moon energy any given month is no joke, this week brought in the second Full Moon of the month, which only happens every 70 something years. I started the week aware that the Full Moon would bring up a few things I would need to “let go” of, I just didn’t expect for it to also bring up some intense psychical reactions. I started the week off more ill than I have ever been or at least it felt that way. On Monday I developed a fever of 102.6, which continued to fluctuate for three full days hitting a low of 99.8. With COVID on everyone’s mind, panic arose yet as awful as I felt everything inside me knew this was not because of COVID.
The fever and physical discomfort I was experiencing was in response to my high stress levels of losing my Sweet & Spicy Momma only a month ago, on the first Full Moon of the month in Aries. (Our Birth Sign.)
Every single trigger I have spent so much time trying to heal bubbled over in emotional and physical dismay. Similar to how my cancer diagnosis manifested.
Other symptoms with the fever included severe abdominal pain, cold shivers, hot sweats and a panicked, painful breathing from my solar plexus: A complex of ganglia and radiating nerves of the sympathetic system at the pit of the stomach aka where we hold stress.
I found myself on the bathroom floor in tears begging My Mom & God to stop!! Over and over through my pain, my fever and my crying out loud I repeated, “I will do better, and I will make better choices.”
Since May I have been on the Freedom Train with the attitude of, “ I am just going to live my life.” Maybe this stems from being so obedient, following a strict health protocol that for others would seem completely unattainable or unrealistic. My daily routines, vegetable and supplement intake, regular healing modalities/ treatments have proven to be a lot of work and consume time.
The rebel inside me perked up soon as COVID showed signs of surrendering in early May. The weather started to get nicer and all I wanted to do was be outside. I wanted to go out, be seen, see people, support local businesses and work my tale off like I used to. I wanted to be more normal and focus on my health a little less because at that time it felt like my freedom was more important for my mind, body and soul.
Well…somewhere from May until now I lost the Balance, it flew completely out the window and it was gone. At first, I still stayed committed to my holistic healthy lifestyle choices but eventually my bad habits started to sneak in and out weigh the good that I had spent so many months focused on achieving.
After (almost) every night out I would wake up feeling regretful and that is not a good feeling to have. My therapist Robin Finkelstein always says, “Think about how it is going to make you feel before, during and after.” I started to ignore this advice I had grown so accustom to living by and I was only paying attention to “the during” and ignoring the after. It was becoming a cycle.
Then this month I got hit by a freight train going a gazillion miles an hour once again, it stopped me right in my tracks. I got the call that my mom was dying. Here I was living it up, while my mom was suffering inside and out. I chose to take a different path then her because I didn’t want to suffer. Yet in someways a piece of me had been suffering too because I had invited back old patterns that proved not to serve and have been working on for two years!
I could go down a rabbit hole of blaming myself.
(God knows some people do blame me.) I could chose to dwell in the idea that there was more that I could have done, the reality is we both made our choices, we both did not agree with one another on many levels and the truth is that both of our hearts longed for each others support, love and approval. In my mom’s final days we were able to find some peace around all of the pain, we were able to feel and see each other’s love- although it was through a screen because of the COVID restrictions.
I have felt completely incomplete to the depths of my core.
So fast forward to the fever and pain in my guts, my body decided to tell me to SLOW THE “F” DOWN!! It forced me to acknowledge and reflect on all that has happened and my choices that led to this exact moment. How have my choices been sabotaging all of the progress that I have made?
Where I am about to go here is very important, because we all have patterns that keep us stuck and hold us back. What I am going to share is one of mine and very personal, the reason I share is that I hope you too will acknowledge what ever your patterns are so you too will take the time to work through and then past them.
When I was younger my mom used to call me, “Boy Crazy!” She actually said it to me before she died, she said, “ You were the perfect daughter until you became “Boy Crazy.” There are so many loaded meanings and issues in this statement, maybe that will be in the book, but right now I will focus on what I am sharing here. I got to thinking about this past week, the Boy Crazy characteristic wasn’t a wrong observation; I was always trying to convince the oldest, cutest, most athletic, popular guy, creative or skilled guys to choose me! Since my divorce I have longed for connection and truthfully physical companionship. When I was first diagnosis there was no time for that and this summer it’s as if “Madam Monster” took over and let the Boy Crazy back in. I started to look outside myself for the attention I craved. My nights out were spent having fun, chasing looks, interactions and connection. Yet I found myself feeling the same as I did in my teens and early 20’s, at 38 years old the 40-50 something’s I am now attracted to can still carry the same behavioral patterns too.
I found myself interested in the: To Busy’s, Half Interested & Dismissive’s – Yet for some reason my actions were still saying, “Just chose me, I am amazing, if you just give me a chance you will see.” Hoping to change their hearts & habits so that I would receive the love I have been looking for. Surprise, it didn’t happen and I am still left with the same insecurities I have spent so much time nurturing, while healing cancer, grieving my mom, working as a self employed young woman and managing my 38 year old single life. All while getting further and further away from my vision and my goals for my future!
The same vision and future that has literally kept me motivated every single day to stay alive!!!
You know my mom always said “One day at a time.” I believe in this statement and understand why she chose to live this way, I want to add to it though. Life is “One day at a time,” when you have a destination to look forward to, that thing that keeps you driven, that thing that lights your soul and speaks to your passions. “One day at a time,” we work toward that BIG BEAUTIFUL thing until it’s right in front of us, for me that thing is being healed completely, being healthy, a successful career and a partner who will love me to the full moon and back!
I have lost sight of that and getting sick with a major fever and abdominal pain truly was a physical manifestation.
So I was broken down, raw and alone, crying, sweating and shivering calling out to the heavens for someone to hear me. Feeling sorry for myself sick and single unable to make myself a tea or get a cold cloth for my forehead. (Something my mom used to do for me no matter how old I got.) All the fear flushed in, COVID, my choices, what if I am going to die too?
Thankfully a couple days into this discomfort I rallied to get a COVID test that came back negative!
(Obviously because why would God give me Cancer and Covid, that would just be mean:)
Affirming that this had everything to do with stress and nothing to do with COVID or even Cancer.
Being in an alone and vulnerable state gave me the time I needed to feel my grief and my sadness, which I haven’t truly been able to do! (I know that this isn’t it and grief will take time but this is a great start.) With this came back my confidence of how well I know my body and the path I am meant to be on.
In the thick of it I called one of my “best friends” and asked for specific help: to ask for help is hard enough, to do it with a 102.6 fever and pain is another story!
-Please help me walk the dogs
-Please help get me a tea
-Please help and put a cold wet cloth on my head
I specifically asked for these three things, her response was in a nutshell, “Call 9-11, because of your pre- existing health conditions.” To me this was Comical and Infuriating at the exact same time. In that statement while I was in my most vulnerable state asking for nourishment, love, support and acceptance, I heard her “logic stem from fear.” In my mind this translated to “ You don’t know your body and your body needs 9-11.”
The alarms sounded and I felt fire in my soul.
I was reminded in that exact moment of how I got here and that I do know exactly what my body needs I just lost sight for a while. In that moment I was asking her exactly for what my body needed.
I am not proud of my reaction because it was developed from anger and every trigger appeared that I had spent so many months working on (more old patterns).
The feelings again of not being seen, heard, trusted or acknowledge that I am capable of knowing exactly what I need for myself comes from constantly being questioned about my choices.
I started thinking about that statement, “Call 9-11!”
How many of us call 9-11, looking for answers outside of ourselves (literally and metaphorically.) I am guilty of it, looking for attention and connection in the wrong places is an example of this.
The answers are always right in front of us, I knew in my heart of hearts the reasons for all of my discomfort- my body was begging me for rest, my heart has been longing to be cared for not just in this moment, but for the months leading up to this moment.
So I was forced to dig deep as I always do and walk my dogs, get my own cold cloth, and make my own damn tea. And GUESS WHAT! A day later after what felt like an eternity of sweating, shivering and pain the fever broke, my COVID test came back negative and minute by minute I started to feel a little more alive. (All with out Tylenol or Advil or 9-11!) I naturally worked through it with rest, reflection, warm baths, detox tea, essential oils and lots water.
We are all stronger than we think we are, I am exhausted of the mountains that keep getting thrown in my direction, I have hated these lessons at times, I don’t always understand why I am “so blessed” to have had everything thrown at me all at once. I want to give up sometimes. Soon as I think I am starting to see the light the door slams shut and locks, leaving me to work my way out again with no key.
As I pour my heart out into writing this I recognize where I need balance, how I need to do better for myself. I am encouraged to accept better for myself from others in my life and that keeping my future, goals & visions dangling every single day infront of me are my incentives. I believe that sharing my struggles and stories will inspire those who may need it most. Myself included, because I have come too far to let it all slip away into old patterns and unproductive triggers. There is no room to move backwards only forward, “One day at a time,” until I finally get there!
Here I am almost one week later, feeling better and refocused. The heartache will still visit; I promise myself I will not turn to old habits or sabotaging behaviors that will mask my emotions. Instead I will face it all head on with the knowing in my heart that I am on the right path. Amen!